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How Hip-Hop Died in the Last 5 Years: A Comedic Obituary

Editorial Team

It is with a heavy heart and a pair of unused high-top sneakers that we gather here today to mourn the passing of Hip-Hop, a genre that once ruled the world but has recently been found lying motionless, clutching a pair of Yeezys and mumbling something about SoundCloud.

The Rise and Fall of Lyrics That Made Sense

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (the Bronx, circa 1970s), Hip-Hop was born. It was a time of lyrical genius, where words rhymed and made sense, and where you could understand the lyrics without needing a Ph.D. in Mumble-ology. But alas, those days are gone. Today, we gather to say goodbye to coherent lyrics and hello to sounds that resemble a cat walking on a synthesizer.

The Great Beats Heist

Let’s not forget the beats. Oh, the beats! They used to make us want to breakdance on cardboard in the street. Now? They make us want to break the speakers. The great beats heist of the 21st century saw the disappearance of funky samples and the introduction of what can only be described as the sound a microwave makes when it’s angry.

The Fashion Faux Pas

And how can we ignore the fashion? We went from baggy pants and cool bandanas to… well, let’s just say there’s been a lot of confusion between wardrobes and camping equipment. If you see someone wearing a tent as a jacket, don’t be alarmed; they’re just keeping Hip-Hop’s spirit alive.

The Social Media Mix-Up

Social media, oh social media. You gave every person with a phone and a dream the chance to be a rapper. Now, we have more rappers than listeners. It’s a tough time when your grandma has more TikTok followers than your SoundCloud account.

The Emo-Rap Conundrum

Remember when rappers were tough? They’ve now been replaced by emo-rappers who seem more interested in crying into their microphones than spitting bars. It’s hard to be intimidated by someone who looks like they need a hug and a therapy session.

The Autotune Apocalypse

Auto-Tune used to be a tool, now it’s the whole toolbox. If your voice resembles a robot caught in a wind tunnel, congratulations, you’re a modern hip-hop star!

In Memoriam

So, here we stand, paying our respects to Hip-Hop. It survived the East Coast-West Coast rivalry, but it couldn’t survive its own evolution. As we say our goodbyes, let’s remember the good times, like when we could actually dance to the music instead of just nodding our heads in confusion.

Hip-Hop, you will be missed. Or, at least, the version of you that made sense will be. Rest in beats.

Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and meant for comedic purposes. Hip-Hop is very much alive and kicking… in its own unique way.